News
Comforting A Friend
It’s not always easy to know what to say when a friend is upset or stressed out. Is it better to offer advice and give practical suggestions as to how they should proceed, or simply to listen to what your friend has to say? In any case, ensuring that your friend feels validated is key, argue Xi Tian and colleagues in a new study published in the Journal of Communication.
Why do some well-intentioned attempts at comfort come off as insensitive instead?
To explore the question, the team asked 325 married adults to think of one person with whom they’d discussed their partner or marriage, and to imagine having a conversation with them about a recent argument they’d had with their spouse. They were then presented with one of six support messages, each of which was more or less person-centred. Low person-centred messages focused on simply moving past the argument (e.g. “nobody is worth getting so worked up about… having an argument is not the worst thing that could happen to you”), whilst high person-centred messages were more engaged and acknowledged the individuals’ feelings (e.g. “you have every right to feel upset… it’s understandable you are stressed out”).
As expected, low person-centred messages were not successful in helping people feel better about disputes with their partner, nor did they reduce emotional distress. These types of messages angered participants, and were also seen as domineering and lacked argument strength — in other words, they were neither convincing nor comforting.
In contrast, high person-centred messages were associated with higher levels of emotional improvement. Participants felt less angry, less critical and less likely to argue with their friend.
Why do some well-intentioned attempts at comfort come off as insensitive instead?
To explore the question, the team asked 325 married adults to think of one person with whom they’d discussed their partner or marriage, and to imagine having a conversation with them about a recent argument they’d had with their spouse. They were then presented with one of six support messages, each of which was more or less person-centred. Low person-centred messages focused on simply moving past the argument (e.g. “nobody is worth getting so worked up about… having an argument is not the worst thing that could happen to you”), whilst high person-centred messages were more engaged and acknowledged the individuals’ feelings (e.g. “you have every right to feel upset… it’s understandable you are stressed out”).
As expected, low person-centred messages were not successful in helping people feel better about disputes with their partner, nor did they reduce emotional distress. These types of messages angered participants, and were also seen as domineering and lacked argument strength — in other words, they were neither convincing nor comforting.
In contrast, high person-centred messages were associated with higher levels of emotional improvement. Participants felt less angry, less critical and less likely to argue with their friend.