The expectations we have of celebrations, particularly Christmas, are often about twinkling lights, gentle music in the background - cosy, connected, calm. In reality, the pressure to have a nice day, combined with an infrequent trip home or to see old friends, is often a recipe for a row. The contrast between what we imagine everyone else to be having – the perfect Hallmark Christmas – and whatever is going on for us, can also loom large. With an extra layer of pain if we’re also beating ourselves up about feeling sad because we think we should be happy.

Accepting the reality of what is going on around us, even if it’s painful, can make a difference. It doesn’t mean we approve of something bad or even feel neutral about it. It just means we do accept what we can’t change, even if we don’t like it, rather than struggling against our current reality.

A useful strategy might also include thinking about the roles we get invited to play in our family or social group. If we want to change these we can experiment, for example by acting the opposite of what people expect, or leaving space for someone else to take on the role we might have outgrown.

This doesn’t mean ignoring what other people want. In fact, thinking about Christmas from other people’s perspective can help it go better for everyone, and give us the positive feeling we get from doing nice things for others.

After all, it doesn’t have to be a perfect Christmas for it to be worth celebrating. Maybe it’ll just be good enough, and for most of it we won’t fall into the traps we want to avoid. And if we do fall into one of them? Well, that’s just human.